PARALLEL STAGES

     Sometimes the bereaved tend to go through stages that parallel those of the dying person.  This can take place both before and after the death of a loved one.  That is, those close to a dying person may pass through some form of denial as soon as they learn the person has a terminal disease.  "It can't be so, it can't be true that my husband is dying"  Then comes anger - at oneself, at the dying person, at the doctor, at the Fates.  There is also bargaining.  "Just give him a little more time, God." Then depression.  "I can't go on without him if he dies".  Finally - acceptance.
     After death the same stages present themselves also, although often in random patterns.  Denial is there, and certainly anger and depression.  Though it is too late for bargaining, that too may appear.  However, in the end, most people arrive at acceptance.  Just as it is healthy for a dying person to work through these stages, so it is for the survivors.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Not surprisingly, the emotional support we can bring a dying person is similar to those the living thrive on: compassion, patience, sincerity, and an honest interest in the person's welfare, thought, feelings, and opinions. Above all, you need to show faithfulness and perseverance - the promises that you will be there to the end. In this regard, it is often considered a helpful practice somewhere along the way to tell the dying person this quite directly: that you won't run out, that you can be depended on.

Basically, there are only two ways we can make a dying person comfortable: by assuring physical comfort; and by assuring psychological comfort. The former is fairly straight forward; the latter is a more subtle process. It is met only by constantly recalling the fact that someday the dying person in the bed will be you, and that every kindness you would wish for and need then, the patient wishes for and needs now.