Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.
Love Does Not End With Death
Since love
does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal
grief-a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living.
Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the
sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.
No simple
guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope,
however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief
during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. As you read through this
article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you
will continue to heal.
Talk About Your Grief
During the
holiday season, don't be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring
your grief won't make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes
you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen-without
judging you. They will help make you feel understood.
Be tolerant
of Your Physical and Psychological Limits
Feelings of
loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow
you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own
expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.
Eliminate Unnecessary Stress
You may
already feel stressed, so don't overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself,
but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize
also that merely "keeping busy" won't distract you from your grief,
but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and
feelings related to your grief.
Be With Supportive, Comforting People
Identify
those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase
your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings.
Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your
feelings-both happy and sad.
Talk About the Person Who Has Died
Include the
person's name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly,
other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special
person who was an important part of your life.
Do What Is Right for You During the
Holidays
Well-meaning
friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the
holidays. Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to
do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.
Talking
about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the
holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and
family.
Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings
Decide which
family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to
begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities,
rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can
create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when
your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however,
leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.
Embrace Your Treasure of Memories
Memories are
one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And
holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these
memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories
are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter,
smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's alright to cry. Memories that
were made in love-no one can ever take them away from you.
Renew Your Resources for Living
Spend time
thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved
created opportunities for taking inventory of your life-past, present and
future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking
inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time
to define the positive things in life that surround you.
Express Your Faith
During the
holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of
beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk
about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a
holiday service or special religious ceremony.
As you
approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It
comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don't let anyone take your
grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be
surrounded by loving, caring people.
Helping Yourself Heal During The Holiday Season - by Dr. Alan Wolfelt
Center For Loss & Life Transition - www.centerforloss.com