Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season

Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness.

Love Does Not End With Death

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief-a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk About Your Grief

During the holiday season, don't be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won't make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen-without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.

Be tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress

You may already feel stressed, so don't overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely "keeping busy" won't distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be With Supportive, Comforting People

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings-both happy and sad.

Talk About the Person Who Has Died

Include the person's name in your holiday conversation. If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays. Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do. Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend.

Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays. As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time. This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens. Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened. As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's alright to cry. Memories that were made in love-no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew Your Resources for Living

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life. The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life-past, present and future. The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation. Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express Your Faith

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs. Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs. If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony.

As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love. Don't let anyone take your grief away. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

Helping Yourself Heal During The Holiday Season - by Dr. Alan Wolfelt

Center For Loss & Life Transition - www.centerforloss.com

MORE THAN A FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Funeral directors are not clergymen, and most are not psychologists, although they may have had some training in psychology. However, the great majority are competent to act as counselors to people during a critical time in their lives.

All of us have problems and most problems are treated by laymen (spouses, friends, neighbors) in informal settings.  The funeral director's role as a counselor is extremely important.  He has certain advantages over specialists in performing some counseling functions; he is at a disadvantage in attempting to perform others.

The funeral director has become a counselor because of circumstances.  Some funeral directors feel uncomfortable in the role and would prefer to avoid it.  Others accept it as part of their function and even find they have a gift for it.  The process is really one of self-selection.  The funeral director who seems to welcome issues of grief is probably equipped to deal with them.

DEALING WITH BURNOUT

Sometimes, when a family members take care of a dying person day in and day out, they experience a kind of burnout.  This is something that the dying person's family must watch for carefully.  Relatives and friends can work with a dying person for only so long before reaching the limits of their endurance.  Just as a body becomes fatigued, so the spirit can be overexposed to the strain, worry, and anguish that nursing care demands.

In order to minimize the chances of this happening, people doing the nursing must learn to pace themselves and to gauge their limits.  If, after long periods of taking care of a sick person, they observe a tendency toward increasing irritation, or chronic fatigue, or depression, it means that a pause is in order - a day off, a quick vacation to clear the head, a change of scenery.  It doesn't mean you care less, only that you want to care for the person in the best way possible.